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First was Jenny darling, apple of all eyes.

On swift and careless wings did she fly to her demise.

Young Diego tripped and fell upon the ground,

Several hungry wolves made sure that he was never found.

It was many years since the Tin soldier last was spry.

He could not evade, so in his armor he did fry.

Everything one sister did, the other would then feel,

And so the fell together when the pike did prick their heels.

Mellow-pine and Melopayne, the Sisters of Bedlam. They are utterly, completely, and catastrophically boring. See, they have this idea in their heads that they can do everything in a different manner by performing the exact same routine. They weren’t even sisters originally. The trick was old when it was just Melopayne doing it. Then we got Mellow-pine, they decided that they had to be twins in temperament as well as name, so they became twins. For our part, we just sighed at having to deal with two of her.

They are the crazy village hedge-witches, always feuding over something. The gallants of the village come to one, asking for some boon. Crops, a child, an easy winter, simple concerns for mundane people. The one they go to will say the other is to blame for their woes, but they are willing to set them straight, in exchange for our prize. Naturally, they get all offended, and set off in a huff to see the other sister. The second sister will agree to lift her curse in exchange for some even more ridiculous prize. They despair, and go back to the first sister.

Thing is, they keep trying to increase the scale of their absurdity. They have gotten so outlandish with their demands over the years that most of their victims are more confused than despairing. There is no reason that a peasant would have any reason to know what a “distillation of reason and Ox-dreams” is, nor would they have any reason to seek such a thing.

When Melopayne was thinking on a smaller scale, it attracted a lot less attention. The two of them together have blown our cover more than once, and not in a good way. Oftimes we’ve  lost our prize before it could be claimed, and all because they got witch-hunters called down on the village. Nasty situation, that.

The sisters are more troublesome than dangerous. So, naturally, you can expect to underestimate them at the worst time and be sorely pressed for victory following.

Why would I tell you that? Because it’s just the way things work. No, you won’t take them seriously now that I’ve told you! If you were going to take them seriously, I wouldn’t have told you that you were going to underestimate them in the first place!

We’re getting nowhere talking in circles about things you cannot understand. Let’s continue instead.

First was Jenny darling, apple of all eyes.

On swift and careless wings did she fly to her demise.

Young Diego tripped and fell upon the ground,

Several hungry wolves made sure that he was never found.

It was many years since the Tin soldier last was spry.

He could not evade, so in his armor he did fry.

Ah, Tin. What is there to say? He is scary, scary even to us. Tin, the Tin Soldier, the Toy, the Last Man standing, the Broken Arm, his titles go on and on. I think at one point, he was actually made a Marquis or some such.

Tin is a monster, a giant encased in steel. He stands easily seven, seven and a half feet tall, and his armor is solid despite the rust. He was our dragonslayer, the triumphant veteran. A hero, to be feasted in halls and taverns alike, never removing his armor due to some knightly vow or another. At least, that’s what he told people. We knew better of course, that there’s nothing but the armor.

Still, he is our insurance. When our work is done, they come to the hero that just happens to have been passing through, and he swears to go and stop us. When he returns, they rejoice, Tin’s legend grows, and any who think that there’s something wrong with the rescued folk are waved off as fools.

His ability is strange and multi-faceted, but the part you need to worry about is this: He can’t fall until all of his companions have. He is the Last Man Standing, always. Naturally, he goes in first as a result. Once engaged, he can’t really be beaten, only delayed, because he never tires, never falters, not while there is someone else that still fights.

That’s how they caught him, you know. When we were discovered, he was doused in oil and set alight. He just kept fighting, burning all the while. In retrospect, the fire probably caused more damage than he did. But when they nailed the last of us down, he just fell apart. Literally. The armor fused, joints melted together, and Tin became a jumble of red-hot metal.

What? Oh, no, of course I’m not contradicting myself. Dead Jenny doesn’t fall under the purview of his power. She’s already dead. Point of fact, she’s died by falling several times.

Oh, you meant me? Well… I’m not one of his companions. I’ll get to that. It’s complicated.